How to Co-Parent with a Narcissist - Without Losing Your Mind
Look, we’re not therapists, and we don’t pretend to be. But, co-parenting implicates family law issues, and when the other party exhibits narcissistic behaviors, it makes co-parenting much more difficult and puts you at risk. If you don’t do the right things, you could end up inadvertently sabotaging your own case, which is the last thing you want.
Here are five tips for co-parenting with a narcissist.
1. Establish a firm, detailed parenting plan
Narcissists are master manipulators and they look for conflict in every corner. If there is grey area in your parenting plan, a narcissistic co-parent is going to take full advantage. An ideal co-parenting plan in this situation will be clear and detailed. It should include specifics about:
Specific days, times, and locations of all custodial exchanges.
Whether parents can or cannot attend extracurricular activities on the other parent’s day.
Procedures for decision making about school, health, travel, and more.
Not speaking negatively about the other parent within hearing distance of the child.
Parameters around co-parent communication, for example, using a co-parenting communication app like Our Family Wizard.
Specific schedules and procedures for holidays and vacations.
When everyone knows exactly what is expected - who is doing what, and when - there is less room for arguing and fighting.
2. Comply with your parenting plan - every detail
We all know that life happens. We’ve all ran 10 minutes late before. We are human. But narcissists thrive on conflict, and they will use any hiccup against you, no matter how small. So, when co-parenting with a narcissist, be on time - actually, be early, and leave room for things like traffic. If your parenting arrangement says that each parent needs to do something by a certain date, get it done, on time.
You will not have a 100% success rate of perfection, but get as close as you can. If you comply with every detail of your parenting plan, this will take the air out of many conflicts that he narcissist is looking to initiate.
3. Document everything
Again, we know that narcissists are master manipulators, spin doctors, and gas lighters. This is terrifying when in the middle of a child custody dispute - what if the judge believes your ex?
This is why you must document everything. Avoid phone calls and communicate in writing whenever possible. Keep the written records of your communications. Keep a “custody journal,” with date and time stamps. For example, if pick up and drop off times are a concern, keep track of this. It’s impossible to remember all of the dates and times when it’s time to sit down and prepare a declaration for court or provide information so your attorney can write a letter to opposing counsel.
This also helps you keep your facts straight and your confidence intact if you’re being gaslit.
4. Stay calm and respectful
This one falls into the “easier said than done” category, but it’s so important. Don’t get into excess conflicts and arguments - this is falling right into the narcissist’s trap. Don’t take the bait. De-escalate instead. If a conversation is escalating, you might consider saying something like, “Let’s take a break from this conversation for now. I hope, moving forward, we can agree to speak respectfully to one another and stay focused on our child.” And keep in mind, written communications with the other parent can usually be used as evidence in a California court. A judge is more likely to find you credible if you’re calm and respectful, rather than thinking that both parents are contributing to the escalation or vitriol.
5. Don’t use kids as messengers
We get it - you don’t want to interact with your narcissist ex any more than you have to. But kids cannot be used as messengers. This puts immense emotional pressure on children, who ultimately tend to want to please both parents and yes, love each parent. It can also put a child in a position to feel pressure to lie - a child is not going to want to pass along information that might hurt a parent or betray a parent.
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